- The date went well, until Mum burped up her meal.
- Reggie always spilt tomato ketchup down his tie and splashed gravy on his trousers... and finished off with a small dab of Eau de cologne.
- "Everything is lovely in this beautiful garden" announced Bill, showing Jenny that he has a sensitive side. Jenny wagged her tail, rolled around in some Fox's poo and waddled off to bark at a squirrel.
- "Science is a magical thing" butted in young Henry without elaborating.
- Sir Hammond Miller's wife splurged all his money on a winter jacket (the one she'd been looking for all her life). Its label was 'River Island', but she unearthed it at the Church bring-and-buy sale.
- Christmas last year was spoilt by Rachel's favorite band splitting up. And Dad throwing up everywhere.
- "Daddy... Daddy, lift me up so I can see Uncle Charley cycle up the drive way on his new Penny Farthing" little Dolly screamed, even though she was 6ft 8 and could see perfectly.
- "We always wear green because we love nature" whined Jack into my ear over the loud music.
- "My phone's one of those you can take photos on" Alan interrupted blandly to turn the conversation away from his manslaughter charges.
- Chris was riddled with fleas, just like his girlfriend. And they both had nits in their hair and eczema over their noses and cheeks. They also had verbal diarrhoea. And normal diarrhoea.
- It was only when Jonathan made his hair all fluffy that he started having girlfriends. He's got so many now, he has to give them all names to remember who they are.
- "Tom's favorite chair was the one with wheels on. He traveled through all the small towns in England on it. There's an article about it in your stupid magazine" spat Karen.
- "If I win the lottery, I'll give some of it to charity" George whispered sexily into Katie's ear, heaving his big torso a little closer.
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