248 - 253

- "Can I play you my new song?" asked Jack. "I'd love to hear it" replied Lucy grimacing.

- Mr. Shallot's abrasive way of talking hid a sensitive and kind nature. He only got aggressive when people mumbled or didn't sit up straight.

- Stuart's plan of impressing Jane by doing summersaults around her flat didn't work because he knocked her over and she had to go to A&E.

- David lost an amazing 12 stone in 3 months, What confused everybody was that he was only 11 stone to begin with.

- Jumping up and down, it dawned on Robert that he'd finally found something that he was good at.

- Alan shouted "I can't see you any more because I've got a new girlfriend now" through the letter-box and ran away as fast as he could.

231 - 247

- When Sophie's hair caught fire, to show how much he cared George immediately set to workdunking paper towels in water and laying them on her head.

- Hearing that Julie had met a man through her computer, Grandma worried that he might not be English, so she wrote a little chart in marker pen spelling out how one spends one's day.

- Mum proposed to Dad on the stairwell and then took some LSD to celebrate.

- Aretha Panic was such a big fan of musicals, she drank a bottle of vodka every night to cope.

- Saying "Good-bye" to the vicar, John felt a lump on one of his testicles. But thought it better not to say anything.

- As they were visiting London today, Mum sensibly handcuffed James to her to make sure no-one nicked him.

- Henry used the condensation on the window to write his novel, but then regretted it.

- Planting himself squarely on the chair, Albert unzipped his flies and opened up his copy of the Daily Mail.

- Tom was close to becoming a full member of Lee's gang. All he had remaining of his initiation was to knock Mrs Harris of her bike.

- Sensitively noticing that Anna was all on her own at Becca's party, Richard charged over and talked about what it would be like to be an alien all night.

- Kate and Paul had a 2 year old man called Joseph and a tiny woman called Pat.

- Mr Geoff won the 'Best behaved adult' award at the church dance and Mrs Geoff came 2nd in the 'Most practical clothes' category.

- Everyone applauded Jenny for managing to run the London Marathon dressed as a big cigarette the day before giving birth to Tom.

- Daniel had a tough job convincing people to put the Berlin Wall back up again, but no-one could refuse that cheeky wink.

- John helped start the craze for shipping by buying all his friends ships.

- Rebecca's face got so animated while telling a story this morning, one of her eye brows ended up in Philip's mouth.

- Martin grinned to himself as he pooed into a bag.

222 - 230

- With a mouth full of biscuits, Steven sneezed, showering everyone on the bus and kneeing himself in the face.

- Henry's dog always had the same haircut. A number 4 all over and a number 2 around the bum.

- "So... you're definitely sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me?" checked Emily. "YES, do the math" Brian replied with more force than was intended. He hadn't spoken all day.

- Starting next week, Philip decided he was going to create the most comprehensive collection of bits of dead skin from his feet Britain has ever seen.

- Norman folded out his map and realised he was in front of his television.

- Daniel was so angry when people called football 'soccer', he chucked a tea towel at the fridge.

- For 10 long years Mrs Aeroplane had been coping with the stress of having a husband who plants his brief-case on the kitchen table when he gets home from work.

- When Dan lost all his money down the back of the sofa, he got a part-time job teaching a class of 42 year olds how to talk to women.

- Tom found the book he'd just read so interesting, he cut out all the pages and gave them to Julia to see what she thought.

210 - 221

- Michael's gift to the world was a little book he wrote about his eczema called "My Bad Skin". The follow up "My only complaint is a skin complaint" never materialised.

- Heather had consumed so many chocolate buns, she had no room for the bottom layer of the wedding cake she'd managed to stuff into her handbag.

- Mr and Mrs Hill fought so hard to get Sam into a good school they were out of breath.

- If Steve squinted, his girlfriend looked a bit like Neil Kinnock.

- When Chris Smalls had a cold during the first week of March, he joked "I've got Man Flu!" on 94 separate occasions.

- After being invited to a squat party, John Chart got into the spirit of things by turning up in a pair of jeans and the shirt that he'd spilt his roast dinner down last Sunday.

- 'The Motherside Alliance' was an action group for Mothers of children with annoying Mothers.

- After spending 2 years composing his first opera, Simon realised that he'd forgotten to write any of it down.

- "John's closest friend is Joseph, but Joseph's closest friend is John. There's a 'but' because the John and Joseph's are different John and Joseph's. Which makes for a story that's both confusing and dull" Mr Bright said self-knowingly.

- Fortune had favoured Derek with a perfect body to make up for such a silly face.

- Mr. Pat donated one of his legs to a friend who had none and had his remaining leg repositioned in the middle.

- The final straw for David was Dawn sowing 'BE POSITIVE' into all of his clothes.

197 - 209

- After falling out with Mary, Gary made it up to her by letting her try on his glasses.

- Realising that books were for squares, Mr. Jameses gave up his professorship to play in his bath.

- Malcolm went to sleep with his arms and legs outstretched in a star shape facing the ceiling, because Dan told him he would wake up ready to face the the day ahead better. But he always awoke back in the foetal position with a pillow clasped over his head.

- When Neil banged his knee, he put some peas on it, not realising that it only reduces the swelling if they're frozen rather than boiled.

- When Philip bought a new toilet for his room, it was 2 months before he realised it needed to be plumbed in.

- Henry tried hard to maintain his usual sense of optimism as Rachel described to him in detail her weird dream.

- Alistair's first concern was the environment, his second was Leeds Utd getting back into the Premiership, his third, Michelle and forth, Dad's bowl cancer. He also needs to thank Grandma for the cheque.

- Dave used the front part of his head to store practical information, such as how to work his washing machine, catch a bus etc...

- Rob couldn't cope with having so many friends, so over the course of the year he gradually started removing all the interesting or funny bits out of his conversations.

- Feeling down his leg, Rod found his foot.

- Searching for her lip-stick, Jessica found loads of other things, such as a hair-grip, an old copy of the 'Metro' and her bed, and her boyfriend in the bed having sex with Stuart.

- Richard never took the direct route back from Sophie's house, because it involved climbing over trees and walking through other people's houses.

- Plodding along the pavement, Alan noticed a little Blue Tit. So he took it.

192 - 196

- Adam began tracing his Family Tree by writing ADAM down on a bit of paper and then tossing it around his head for a little while. He then made himself some lunch and forgot all about it.

- As a good will gesture, Mark gave Lucy a private concert of his new songs in his bedroom. Sadly Lucy had to leave half-way through his a cappella version of 'These
Sins'.

- "Is that Baby Jesus?" asked Daddy, enthusiastically pointing to a picture of Christ on the cross. "Sort of" answered Amy, looking around to see if she could spot Mummy.

- When Samantha Curtains fell down a hole, in a sing-song voice she exclaimed "Here I am... in a hole".

- 80% of what David did was brilliant, the other 20% of his time was spent annoying people with his heavy breathing.

179 - 191

- After 6 years of collecting fossils, Adrian was more than a little disappointed after having them examined, to learn that they're all just bits of pavement from outside his flat.

- John's migraine got so bad Emma called the Police.

- Dad had turned his microphone off, but Mum could still hear him snoring.

- After spilling tea all over herself, Alison made another cup and poured that over herself as punishment.

- "Finder's keepers, Loser's weepers" Barbara thought as she went through the tube carriage taking people's bags from their laps.

- For his own amusement, Peter spent Saturday afternoon covering his beard with marmalade.

- When Mrs. Corner was depressed, she crudely scratched TWAT onto all the expensive cars down her road.

- George wasn't very successful at speed-dating because he could only answer questions on Bolton Wanderers.

- "Forget everything you've ever read, seen or heard..." Julian announced inspiringly. And then lost his track and sneaked out the exit on his hands and knees.

- Mr and Mrs Clives both agreed that the painting looked a bit like a photograph.

- "My Liam's turning into a rather attractive little man" thought Mum as she sat on the toilet smoking.

- Floating on a cloud of self-hate, Daniel made his way through a whole packet of chocolate digestives.

- When Mike phoned Sarah Johnson to tell her all about his hike, about 30 seconds in he forgot all about it and after a bit of silence he made some rapid small-talk while slowly putting the phone down.

169 - 178

- Tim's new ski resort included a massive statue of David Grey made out of cement.

- Pippa sat on her bed, entertaining herself with thoughts of fooling around on the lake with Emily, Cynthea, Becca and Dave Smith from Rochdale.

- After spending his whole life in a wheelchair, Michael was irritated to discover there had been a mix up and he could walk perfectly.

- The only negative Jane could think of about Pete, was his stomach ulcer.

- Old Mrs Cloth clattered around her big old house for 3 years after David died, before she realised that David hadn't died.

- Neil's diet of toothpaste and cat litter did his stomach no good.

- Simon was really exhausted because he'd just run around the world for charity.

- Linda didn't believe in God, which she really regretted when she ended up in Hell.

- Victoria loved common sense so much, she kicked a hole in the fence.

153 - 168

- Alan inanely worked out the safest route back to his house if he were to walk on his knees, while Jenny told him all about her exciting plans for an art exhibition in a disused school.

- Adam kept on ending up in hospital, because every time he had a thought, he leapt up and punched himself.

- Neil went to Madrid, found a bench and sat down for a bit. He then got up and waddled off back to England.

- Andrew forgot to look after his kids for a couple of days, so he punished himself by cancelling his subscription to Art Review.

- When Donna turned 30, she received so many funny cards, she was 48 before she could stop laughing.

- To save time, Henry combined taking a shower with eating his evening meal.

- Jim was so miserable with his job at the petrol station that he ripped one of the magazines up.

- Dave insisted on waking up to a load of aggro from his wife.

- Tony was so good at the synthesiser, he started giving lessons to all his work colleague's daughters.

- The only thing that really excited Chris was walking around Maidenhead with his action-man pants on.

- Norman's little quirk was that he liked meat that was off.

- Wendy blindly went into shops and bought the first things she saw. And then got angry with her self and stuffed her self with junk food in front of a DVD.

- Launa covered the gravy with a roast meal.

- "Dad's local swimming pool ban him from bringing his fishing-rod, yet they allow Tony to wind-surf" huffed Daisy, prettily looking at herself in the reflection of the spoon.

- Gavin sold all his cars and put the money towards the building of an orphanage, but regretted it when no-one seemed to pick up on what he'd done.

- Little Ronald's thoughts were so enchanting, he wrote them down in a note-book and sold it to Mummy. Who then translated it into Hebrew.

140 - 152

- Derek couldn't get to grips with his new computer, so he wrote 'DOESN'T WORK' in marker pen all over the screen and drank himself silly.

- Fod put his shoes on and went for a bath.

- Amy was just beginning to feel confident with her new short hair, when a certain someone called David White tipped a full glass of tap-water over her head.

- Larry Paranought was so far ahead of his classmates, he was sent to an Old Peoples home.

- Just for fun, Mr. Lith stuffed all his toys in the post box.

- Although she was flattered by all the attention, Vicky would ideally have liked the skin-grafts to have worked.

- Doctors couldn't explain why Terry kept on having seizures, so they used Jessica's feminine intuition.

- Robert's smell was so overpowering, Sue was sick in her handbag and Jonathan was sick into Steve Benson's hood. Gary was sick into his hands.

- Sam's pallor spoke of late nights, greasy kebabs, pot-noodles, fast food, microwave meals and some salad.

- To Mum's horror, the latest craze in Daniel's school was nose-jobs.

- The tallest boy at Alison's school was a Man called Charles Hunt.

- To pay for his stomach to be stapled, Jim gave prostitution a go.

- Ken steamrollered up to Becky and asked her out. She said "Yes" and they had a kid, which they called Liam. Liam had a sex change and married Peter and they adopted a girl called Lucy. Lucy is now 33 and makes and sells her own jewelery and has a web-site. And she also sings and sometimes plays the violin in her boyfriend's band 'Headache'.

128 - 139

- When Dan saw Jen at the end of the day, he decided he was going to raise his fists a little and give a small cheer to show how relieved he was that work had finished, but he tripped up and knocked his front teeth out.

- Terry had such a good head on his shoulders, he married someone with a bad head to normalise any children they might have.

- Stuart's new band bridged the gap between Snow Patrol and Keane.

- Everyone looked amused when Richard told a funny story because he was so violent.

- Toby was racing through a novel when he suddenly had a cup of coffee.

- John celebrated getting into Oxford by cockily bouncing around town with his jacket off his shoulders.

- Roger took a quick shower and a valuable watch.

- George and Linda lost all their possessions by dropping them by mistake.

- Carol had a really useful day sorting through her wardrobe. She ended up with 3 bin-liners full of clothes to give to a charity shop, but on the way there she was flattened by a meteorite.

- Even though Lisa had won loads of Rally-car Championships, she was still the most boring person Daniel had ever met.

- Andy's hobby was to dunk a tissue into a sink full of water and then try to blow his nose on it. If successful he threw himself a surprise party.

- Laura's astrological chart spoke of money and success towards the end of February, a romantic liaison in October and someone farting in the bath.

111 - 127

- To show he was there for her, James lightly placed his hand on Sarah's back before heading off back to the car. He didn't mean to leave a big sweat mark.

- Kate stylishly dressed all her children in subtle greys, while she hypocritically charged around the gallery in the bright red Power Rangers tracksuit she got from Father Christmas.

- Tommy had a little bell system installed from his bed chamber to Mummy's, incase he woke up during the night and needed a can of Coke.

- George was the proud owner of a leaflet.

- Colin was always immaculately dressed except for in bed, where he just wore jeans and a T-Shirt.

- The closest Warren got to happiness was when he put all his jumpers in a bundle on the floor, got up on his hind legs and fell backwards into them. He kept on whacking his head on the cabinet though, so he stopped.

- Matt's hair was so sexy, the church asked him to wear a head-scarf.

- Aged 7, Spencer entered a school for the blind where in the 6th form, the top 3 performing students all receive the gift of sight. Spencer finished last and was sent to prison.

- Mary suddenly forgot how to cook, so she made do with a packet of peanuts.

- Donald plumped for baked-beans on toast as a starter, sausages and chips as main and a packet of crisps for desert.

- The most Phil ever fit into one day was 180 things.

- John loved to wear knickers on his head. He was surprised and heartened by his wife, more than just accepting, actively encouraging it.

- Angela was so angry about Climate Change, she had a nervous breakdown.

- Graham was fishing for compliments when he landed an Asda shopping trolly.

- Liz was the first Woman to play for Everton's Men's team. Bouncer was the first Golden Labrador.

- Duncan finally won Jane's heart by balancing a 10 pence piece on his nose, tossing it up in the air and catching it with his bottom.

- Brian's new earring gave him a new lease of life. He even formed a little folk group with his kids.

102 - 110

- "Jeremy's jacket was too big, but it meant he could fit lots of layers underneath" Sue pondered before taking the plunge and asking him out.

- Robert's dream was to get his teddy-bear on the property ladder.

- Mum was tired of ferrying the kids about everywhere, so she made them swim.

- Harry's parents filled his stocking with money last Christmas. He gave half to good causes and gave the other half back to Daddy to put towards his education. And he put the other half in a hole in the garden.

- Marion's husband was always balancing cutlery on his head with caring for his elderly Mother.

- Billy's new wife came with loads of dogs that stank the house out.

- Dean's puffer jacket was so big, Lee had to sometimes walk a few steps in front so he could clear the way and warn people.

- "I feel like I'm in the bath" shouted Bill. Everyone sort of nodded, not really knowing what he was going on about and carried on swimming their lengths.

- Adrian retired to bed early that night. His wedding had exhausted him.

84 - 101

- Arran was so good at board-games that he couldn't sleep a wink thinking about it.

- Jack was playing about with some old condoms he'd found yesterday when he suddenly remembered he was meant to be at work.

- George was so excited about the two new shirts he'd just bought, he shook his wife violently.

- Simon couldn't help noticing Grandpa was wearing Grandma's clothes today.

- "Barry and Debra always wear bloody denim" the other Barry screamed, scaring both the Mitchells and the Donaldsons. His wife took him into the room where everyone's coats were and patted his head gently. After a little sleep he meekly returned in time to witness Linda having a stroke and Brian spilling red wine all over himself.

- David inadvertently married his own Father.

- Ruth's hair always looked immaculate. Except for the time she had that car-crash.

- Chris loved the smell of his new carpet so much, his nose fell off.

- Sam hated playing big stadiums because the crowd never warmed to him. But he always self-medicated by drinking 4 cans of Kronenburg when he got home.

- "I can't get the top off" complained Mary. Steve marched over, crushed the jar with his bare hands and spent the rest of the evening jumping around on all-fours like an ape. Mary was impressed.

- Leanne had her Prince Albert done.

- It was less a question of when Philip thought about Forest Green Rovers than when he didn't.

- Helen fought tooth and nail to get Sophie into Hillgrove School, only to find out it was a school for boys somewhere in Canada.

- Steve Bruce's job was to arrange the congregation in order of attractiveness.

- "Toby's got so much energy" laughed Dawn, "I'm afraid he's put his head through your Caravaggio".

- Gerrald had massive pumped-up calves from playing so much hockey. It aggravated him that he could no longer fit into his trousers and had to wear this sort of collection of plastic bags and old J-cloths.

- Biscuits were banned from the Logan household because Mum would gorge herself on Chocolate Digestives and never have an appetite for her meal.

- Gary spent his Saturday afternoons playing football for Arsenal while his brother surfed the internet.

73 - 83

- Despite making all her clothes look crap, for the sake of practicality Sally replaced all the zips and buttons with Velcro.

- It riled Norman that instead of pouring tea into a cup, his wife always used his sock draw instead. It was the predictability that annoyed him.

- To show everyone who's boss, Mike always sat with his arms outstretched, legs wide apart and his flies undone.

- Jennifer stopped being friends with Derek when he started to hit her. She has the full support Jenny and Linda (Luke and Darren's Mum's).

- Grandma's independent spirit really shone through when she started rapping about knife crime.

- "Why did you buy a Reindeer dear?" quizzed Anne. "I've no idea" answered Frank frankly bashing his forehead with the palm of his hand.

- I turned up to my wedding on the wrong day, but got married anyway.

- Jeff preferred to pay for abortions than use protection.

- Tanya's boyfriend was a defender for Nottingham Forest FC, but as soon as he transferred to Tottenham Hotspur FC he broke his neck and never played again. Her new boyfriend plays for Stoke.

- Claire was lonely, so she had lots of babies.

- Whenever George went out to a disco, he always kept a sausage-roll wrapped in cling-film in his shirt pocket incase he got peckish. He stopped going after awhile because the music gave him a migraine.

60 - 72

- Jonathan's hobby was mending little lead soldiers and then painting them to look like Nigel Mansell. He then carried them around in his pants for a month and repeated the process well into his 40's.

- "I'm like a Bat out of Hell" screamed John Ashdon as he tore around Bristol University with his glasses off.

- Tony covered up his real feelings by immersing himself in a box of trivial pursuit questions.

- James found learning his lines for the school play too easy, so he learnt everyone else's lines as well and made himself a peanut butter sandwich.

- Susan only started seeing Adrian as more than just a friend when she had doubled in weight.

- When ever childhood friends Toby and Sarah got together, without fail they ended up in hysterics. So much so that one evening Toby started frothing at the mouth and broke both his legs jumping out of the window.

- Norman had a big fleshy face and loved to be tickled. Over the years this progressed onto spanking and eventually he was found dead by his neighbours with an oven up his bum.

- Every year Mike covered himself in glory by being the village's only resident to have met someone from a big town. There was a parade through the square every Whitsunday to celebrate.

- Joan and Terry's marriage had been under a bit of a cloud since their only Son decide to marry outside of the faith. Terry tried to spice things up by wearing Joan's sexy underwear, but even this didn't help.

- Whenever Nick forgot how to ride his bicycle, he simply pushed it or left it at home,

- Keith was so envious of his best friends new Volvo that during squash that evening he sub-conciously smashed Brian's face instead of the ball.

- Lloyd's best friend was his Dad's work colleague Dennis. They went stamp-spotting together.

47 - 59

- The date went well, until Mum burped up her meal.

- Reggie always spilt tomato ketchup down his tie and splashed gravy on his trousers... and finished off with a small dab of Eau de cologne.

- "Everything is lovely in this beautiful garden" announced Bill, showing Jenny that he has a sensitive side. Jenny wagged her tail, rolled around in some Fox's poo and waddled off to bark at a squirrel.

- "Science is a magical thing" butted in young Henry without elaborating.

- Sir Hammond Miller's wife splurged all his money on a winter jacket (the one she'd been looking for all her life). Its label was 'River Island', but she unearthed it at the Church bring-and-buy sale.

- Christmas last year was spoilt by Rachel's favorite band splitting up. And Dad throwing up everywhere.

- "Daddy... Daddy, lift me up so I can see Uncle Charley cycle up the drive way on his new Penny Farthing" little Dolly screamed, even though she was 6ft 8 and could see perfectly.

- "We always wear green because we love nature" whined Jack into my ear over the loud music.

- "My phone's one of those you can take photos on" Alan interrupted blandly to turn the conversation away from his manslaughter charges.

- Chris was riddled with fleas, just like his girlfriend. And they both had nits in their hair and eczema over their noses and cheeks. They also had verbal diarrhoea. And normal diarrhoea.

- It was only when Jonathan made his hair all fluffy that he started having girlfriends. He's got so many now, he has to give them all names to remember who they are.

- "Tom's favorite chair was the one with wheels on. He traveled through all the small towns in England on it. There's an article about it in your stupid magazine" spat Karen.

- "If I win the lottery, I'll give some of it to charity" George whispered sexily into Katie's ear, heaving his big torso a little closer.

41 - 46

- Instead of hair gel, poor old Jim smothered himself in concrete.

- Paul tip-toed around the subject of homosexuality by marrying Linda.

- Sarah Novel was an avid reader and her husband John Novel was an avid reader too and so was their main Son Nevil Novel. The only one who wasn't was their other Son Novel Novel.

- Jeff never did make love to his wife, but they had some great conversations :)

- Peter married the best Woman in the world. His Mum was the second best, until having a daughter relegated her to third best. He got married again and had a Son.

- "People are lovely" smiled Lucy. "Yes" grimaced Alan.

30 - 40

- Arran's big thing was to wet himself in public. Jill also liked to wet herself in public. They met on a 'Wet Yourself' internet forum and are very happy together.

- He was the sort of Man who actually used his t-shirt pocket... and that's an understatement.

- George was putting a donation into the box when his hernia popped out.

- John was snogging Mary when his willy popped out.

- James was very angry all the time. Luckily for Jeniffer, their little boy bore the brunt of it.

- Michael's jacket didn't fit, so he bought a new one he could swim in.

- When asked how she lost the fingers of her right hand, thinking she was being funny, Anne always replied "playing Snap!". Worried that this wasn't funny, she very gradually started telling the truth.

- Simon sprained his ankle chatting up Claire.

- Alister would put toilet-frames up if there was such a thing.

- After finally getting onto Facebook, Terry realised that all his old school friend's ended up being News Readers... except for Gary who is now President of the USA.

- "Don't get sewage on the carpet" was Dad's little catchphrase.

24 - 29

- The crowd this week was full of menstruating women. Next week it will be full of people who have appeared in adverts.

- My Butcher's so kind, he lets me have all the animals that weren't killed properly.

- "Do you prefer Dog biscuits or normal biscuits?" asked Mummy. "Normal biscuits" replied Luke.

- I starved everyone of affection. I made up for it by throwing a big party.

- Talking to Ron was always dangerous. He'd convince you to steal from the church, which normally I'd be against.

- June's school-friend May was a doctor. If it wasn't for the kids, she fancied that she would have made a good Doctor too. "A Doctor of medicine" she sighed as she looked at herself in the mirror with her sunken eyes and missing teeth. She straightened her back, shaved her hair off, studied for 6 years and did actually end up becoming a Doctor.

- I starved everyone of affection. I made up for it by throwing a big party.

13 - 23

- The day started well, but I ended up running someone over in my car and having to spend the next couple of years in jail.

- "I love Men who wear eyeliner" daydreamed Sally as she gazed out the window of the bus. At the next stop some Doctors got on, all wearing eye-liner. She married the best looking one and now has 3 children by him.

- Jamie's talent is fitting his whole fist in his mouth. Sadly he can't take it out again.

- "Put your money away" John said generously to Emma as she tried to pay for her bus fair, "you can walk".

- "I really hate my prominant Adam's Apple" moaned Alan. "Wear a skarf" suggested his practical friend Julie. "Good idea" thanked Alan. "Or use a plaster" added Julie.

- "What's the best thing that's ever happened to you?" asked Simon. "Meeting you" gushed Andrew. Simon blushed and pretended to be engrossed in a novel.

- The left side of Ruth's bed was always reserved for her teddy 'Henry'. It was only when she turned 16, she realised that 'Henry' was in fact her Uncle Gary.

- "I've got 20-20 vision" goaded Steve to his blind friend Paul as he watched him walk into a lamp-post.

- "My Mother's the Queen" boasted Charles. "My Mother's the Queen too" lied Darren.

- Toby and Ben went to see a film with Rebecca and Lucy. They all became firm friends.

6 - 12

- "You fart too much" she cried. "You cry too much" I farted.

- That day was hard work because we had to carry the statue from the sculptor's workshop all the way to the plinth in the town square... and then no-one liked it, so we had to carry it back again.

- Tracy Thinks and her partner were renowned in their neighborhood for throwing wild parties. Last night's one got completely out of control though. Clive and Victoria ended up in hospital and Mike had to spend the night in a police cell.

- Alan was a mixture of totally cool and totally hot. He was fit and had a totally random sense of humour. All the girls adored him until he went mental.

- I always keep useful small things in a little pot on the kitchen table, like paper-clips and spare keys for example. I also keep badges there and stale biscuits.

- I've got tennis elbow, athlete's foot, writer's block and a broken neck.

- I have a dream. I dream of everyone being the same and liking the same things, everyone looking the same and doing the same things all the time.

1 - 5

- The wedding was ruined by Jenny's Dad beating up Roy and Helen's son.

- Lunch was horrible because the vegetable's were all rotten, someone had nicked all the potatoes and Margaret had spat on the meat.

- Mum was only ever short with Jean when she forgot to clean around the statues.

- Charles and Henry had 2 cocky little kids called Harry. They used Gary's daughter Amanda Pratt to give birth to them.

- "Time is a great healer" shouted Granny.